Caveat emptor – buyer beware…

B”H
Shalom readers!
In view of the prevailing dishonesty among modern males the honest and up front behavior of our past gedolim (sages of old) looks like a better example to emulate:

Talmud Yoma 18b (see also reference Yebamoth 37b):

When Rav would visit Darshish he would announce, “Which [woman] is [available] for a day?” When Rav Nachman would visit Shkhantziv he would announce, “Which [woman] is [available] for a day?”

but at least if you are Agudist it’s “permitted but not normative” as Rabbi Avi Shafran Shlit”a says (which is a huge improvement over 10 years ago when he was saying much nastier things in response to a media question on the subject totally avoiding the halachik aspect of the issue) so your sons are probably doing stuff like what’s described bellow.
Oh well, what can you do without the public heter of all the “recognized Gedolim”.
I guess if you still have faith in these people (most of whom stood idly by their brothers blood just 2 years ago and are credited with other shtus that makes mockery of them and their followers and Jews in general most of you privately sigh or laugh at) you can try and lobby them to declare it normative. Good luck to you if you have $100 million dollars to pay off all their handlers perhaps this may work.
Another option is to emulate Sarah Schenirer (founder of Bais_Yaakov בית יעקב )going forward ignoring the ridicule of the nay sayers and do or advocate the common sense thing that you know is right and have trust in Hashem and very soon this disgusting exile of Edom with it’s hypocrisy and idol-worship will end and the true Gedolim and true halocha (not the one based on Catholic or Muslim style morality) will be revealed with the complete redemption of the Jewish people and the whole world.
PS. If any recognized Godol wants to put me in cherem (excommunication) for the apparent hutzpah of making fun of them and their spokesman please mail it to the address on the top left of this blog.
If on other hand either Rabbi Shafran or any of his gedolim needs a pilegesh (considereing that “He who is greater (godol) than his fellow, his yetzer harah (sexual desire) is also that much greater.” (Talmud, Sukah 52 a) (note the last page of Rabbi Yaakov Emden’s responsa on pilegesh dealing specifically with Torah scholars :

I’ll give them a free life-time membership at http://www.pilegeshpersonals.com/signup.php

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Lucia di Poi/Tufts Daily Many college-age men and women have differing expectations as far as what follows sexual encounters in terms of contact, intimacy, and exclusivity.

Girls enter into casual relationships with hope for more than just sex
In this case, guys are the ones who just want to have fun
Julia Lifschultz
Daily Editorial Board

This article is the fifth in a five-part series looking at sex on campus. The articles have been based in large part on anecdotal evidence, asking the question “How do we behave sexually at Tufts, and how aware are we of the risks?” This article will look at the emotional ramifications of casual sex on campus.

The clinical side of sex is easy to explain – by protecting themselves with contraceptives, people are less likely to get hurt. And if they contract a disease and see a doctor, often their problems can be remedied. But how does one protect against the emotional side of sex?

One anonymous senior goes into casual sex with low expectations, but finds she needs more the next day. “I go in thinking ‘I don’t care, whatever, I know who this person is, and it won’t turn into something,’” she said. “But then I realize I care a lot more than I think I do. Sex involves an intimacy that no other form of being with someone can have.”

“Even times when [I've decided to talk about my feelings with a guy] and he says ‘I don’t want anything,’ I say I understand,” she added. “And then the next day it’s like I didn’t hear it.”

After some sporadic hookups that ultimately led to sex, she found the next day that the situation had changed completely. “There have been times where we have had sex and he wouldn’t say hi the next day,” she said. “It’s like you don’t even know the

person.”

Many women seemed to echo this perspective and try to lower expectations because they “know” that guys don’t want the same kind of relationship they do. Some believe that if they don’t sleep with the guy, he’ll lose interest and sleep with any number of girls who would be happy to take her place.

However, if she does sleep with him and decides that she “actually wants this to mean something,” he’ll ignore her the next day so she knows it meant nothing.

Apparently, guys dread the talk just as much as women do. “That talk is the worst – having to let someone know it’s just a one night thing,” a male senior said. “But I usually avoid it by being friendly and [sidestepping] any advances on her part.”

He describes the talk as “so frustrating, especially when I felt that we were clear beforehand.”

In one case, the senior and his partner discussed what they were doing before they had sex. “We talked about it beforehand and both agreed it was just a sex thing,” he said. “It turns out she just said that because she thought that it was what I wanted and then confronted me on it when she couldn’t take it anymore.”

“To this day, I can recall the frustration of that day,” he said. “We had to talk things through for like two hours, just to go over what I thought was already pretty clear.”

So, many women on campus convince themselves their sexual encounters mean nothing, and try to be happy with this setup of no-strings sex with friends or acquaintances. She wants him, so she placates him, and he knows he can have this deal, so he expects it. Who is responsible for this cycle?

The senior female thinks both men and women are responsible. “I think it’s the girl allowing it to happen and the guy having a certain mentality,” she said, though she remains hopeful that “once you find someone who is right, it doesn’t happen

anymore.”

This is not to assume that all men reject emotional commitment in the realm of sex. “For me there’s always been emotion involved, because if there isn’t, it’s usually pretty [bad] sex,” senior Mike Hoye said. “Most of my friends value [college sex] and it doesn’t bother them if they don’t have it.”

However, every woman interviewed would have – at the very least – welcomed a commitment after casual sex. Even the interviewees who explained vociferously that they enjoy casual sex admitted that if the man wanted a relationship, they would be happy.

One senior tries to avoid this often-hurtful cycle. “I’ve seen how having casual sex affects my friends, especially the girls, and that’s one reason I’ve never allowed myself to engage in casual sex,” she said. “As a form of self-protection, I don’t want to be in that position where I expect more from something as important as sex than I’ll actually get.”

One upperclassman says she enjoys the liberation of casual sex and has not been hurt by it. She has slept with guys before at Tufts and has remained friends afterwards. “I was in it just for a night of fun,” she said.

As for the concept that sex is emotional and many women expect more after sex, she explains that she “was never into using [sex] as a motive to have him be with me. I always wanted to have sex.”

Many guys feel they are in a catch-22: if they are honest she will get angry, but if he says nothing she will flip out after the fact because he does not want a relationship.

“As long as a guy doesn’t completely brush you off and still wants to hang out in a group,” the senior thinks this is fine.

“I think if a guy is still respectful, looks out for you, wants to hang out and have fun and you both understand that ‘it is what it is,’ why not have fun with it?” she said.

When asked whether she would have liked it to become a relationship, she conceded, “I would have liked it, but I didn’t need it.”

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